seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
