It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
