he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
