You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
