I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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