He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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