Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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