you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
