i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
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Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
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COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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