just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
