she was so not down for the gang bang
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
