You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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