Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
