We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
