I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
