it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
