I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
