I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
