woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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