There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
