I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
