somebody snuck up and got me drunk
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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