brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
