listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
