You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
