I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
