apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Of course I have a pirate flag
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
