I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
