Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
