Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
we're making bets on your personal life
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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