please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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