WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The power of my boobs compel you
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
