You can't motorboat a personality
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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