my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
