i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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