You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
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I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
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Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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