Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize