Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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