so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
