I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
