Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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