I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
