Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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