I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
