Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
