in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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