y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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