I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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