If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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