if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
