Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
