Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
