i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
