I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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