Just fell off a train. Bad.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
