Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
