He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
